SPORTS

Star Wares: Some Celebrities are still stumped about how to cash in.

3/11/2006

The Celeb Brand Bubble Keeps Getting Bigger and Bustier, whether it’s homeware or haute couture, the truth is with enough marketing elbow grease, celebrities can sell just about anything. Still, some celebrities seem stumped about how to cash



The Celeb Brand Bubble Keeps Getting Bigger and Bustier, whether it’s homeware or haute couture, the truth is with enough marketing elbow grease, celebrities can sell just about anything. Still, some celebrities seem stumped about how to cash in. This is for them:

Avril’s Latrines (Avril Lavigne)
According to Avril- I’m soo happy my latrines are finally in Home Depots and army barracks everywhere, it took like six months to get them there and I’ve definitely grown a whole lot in that time, both as a person and as an artist. I’m not into make-up and bra-tops like Britney, not that I want to dis anyone but y’know I’m more, like subdued…so I wanted to do something more me that my fans can relate to—and everybody pees, y’know? My latrines match my favorite pants colors: camouflage foliage and desert sand brown.
Tag Line—Girls Can Stand Up If They Want To!


Shania-Bra (Shania Twain)
According to Shania“I wasn’t born yesterday; I know I didn’t become the most popular country singer since Garth Brooks on talent alone. It’s not all about being sexy but I’m comfortable with my body and there is no need to cover up. Now, are you wondering what makes my bust stay up, up, up? Well now the secret is out of the cup. Remember people should respect you for you, but everybody needs a little lift every once in awhile.”
Tag Line: Mutt Calls them Timmins!

The Aikens Diet(Clay Aiken)
According to Clay-A lot of you already know how much I absolutely adore cheesy pop music. Anything by the Righteous Brothers or Jon Secada just makes me melt like Swiss on a hot bun. Those guys, their melodies, well, they’re just righteous—you know what I mean? What you don’t know is how much I love my gouda, jack, and cheddar—not the processed stuff mind you—I like my cheddar like I like my music, real old and salty.
Tag Line-The Dairy Fairy is not a joke, Eat Plenty of Cheese and You’ll Look just Like Me.

The Sharapova-Swatter (Tennis Superstar Maria Sharapova)
According to Sharapova—Being the Russian Queen of Tennis sure is a lot of fun, there’s nothing quite like screaming my way to victory again, and again, and again. When I’m off-court and a bug flies in my face, you better believe I’m going to defeat it too. My own Sharapova Swatter has a record of 456-0! No hairy-winged-insect-freak has survived her and word spreads in the bug community, they’ve got a swarm mentality you know. When creepy-crawlies antennae sense me coming they hightail it back to buggy-boo.
Tag Line—Bug Spray is for the Weak, Serve up a Slaughter

Colin Farrell’s Irish Steam
According to Colin—”Sure you’ve heard of Irish Cream and Irish jigs but you’re probably drawing a f***in' blank when it comes to Irish Steam, but I’m not talking bollocks. Here’s the deal: you’re with a girl in the backseat of a car or in the bedroom and you’re not as handsome as me. Just open up a bottle of my steam and she’ll be hot and sweaty and itching for you to rip off her blouse in five seconds flat.”
Tag Line— S.W.A.T Farrell Pheromones in Her Face

*All quotes are fictitious. This is a parody.
An earlier version of this story was published in the Toronto Star.

Copyright © Mike Dojc, 2006

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