Mike Dojc

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How to Start a Harem-When it's Time to Sheik your Booty and Chase some Veil

8/15/2006

The backstory behind this one is kinda simple. I was just wondering about what it would be really like to have a harem. After it was published I remember learning the truth about fact checkers as they changed my source from a she to a he somehow.

Sure, we all know monogamy's the way to go. But haven't you ever wondered what it might be like to have a few dozen ladies on the side? Heed the advice of Alev Lytle Croutier, author of Harem: The World Behind the Veil and at least your fantasies will be historically accurate.

1.Pick a spot to hang your hookah

Simply moving to Utah ain't gonna cut it --you'll have to head for the Middle East. Almost any nation there will do (except Turkey, where harems have been banned since 1909). If the political climate makes you nervous, you can also opt for northern Africa, Southeast Asia, or India. If you move to a Muslim nation, have the decency to convert to Islam--nothing ruins a good harem like a fatwa of death on your head.

2. Become the man of the house

It's traditional harem protocol to ice all your existing male relatives so there won't be any disputes over the order of succession. Can't stomach fratricide? There is an alternative. "In the 17th century, it became acceptable to simply banish princes into secluded apartments known as golden cages," says Croutier. Set 'em up with ESPN and a couple of concubines of their own and they won't put up a fight.

3. Court your courtesans

Though this would seem creepy in any other culture besides Italy's, you'll need your mom's help to recruit your harlots. As Croutier explains, your mother assumes the title of valide and is responsible for rounding up your fillies. "The valide decides which girls to present to the sultan and gets rid of girls she doesn't like," she says. Also, get yourself a team of eunuchs to oversee day-to-day operations--you'll never have to worry about them dipping their pens in company ink.

4. Manage your assets

When you see a harem girl you like, simply drop a handkerchief in front of her. Your head eunuch knows this is the signal to groom her for the evening's festivities. He'll also record the even in a Day-Timer called the Book of Couching, "to avoid the slightest doubt of paternity," says Croutier. This also eliminates all spontaneity as well as any chance for group action. Hey, just what kind of fantasy is this?

This story originally ran in Maxim

Copyright © Mike Dojc 2006